OnFire #168 Phoebe and Marissa

Hi Folks:

As I write, workers are removing windows from my office as part of our church renovations. It has been interesting to watch the process of transformation in our building. I’m so curious I have to work hard at not being distracted. The sound equipment is being installed in the sanctuary right now also. I love being around that stuff, but I think I have been doing remarkably well to stay at my appointed tasks.

Jan is back at painting. The scraping is done, and she is applying primer and paint. Also, Jan had a few friends in to help hang pictures. She waited for me to help, and I was dragging my heals. So I suggested she ask some girl friends, who would actually be better at helping her with this than me, anyway, and it worked out so well. Thanks to the “Two Debbies.” I am grateful that you helped Jan hang pictures and I didn’t have to.

You’re really getting some insight into me today, aren’t you?

Hope your week is going well.

Troy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This week I’ve been thinking a lot about someone we tried to help more than 10  years ago.

Her name was Marissa. She called me up one day, sounding young and very scared. As the story unfolded, I learned a little more about her.

She was on the run, 18 years old, had been involved in ritual abuse, people were after her, and her father was a well-known national politician.

She was so scared she would never leave a phone number and never agreed to meet in person. Over a period of about a year the story unfolded until her car was broken into and she met a friendly police officer in whom she was able to confide. The last I heard they were working to compile evidence for the case against her abusers.

The fact that she would never agree to meet was a huge red flag in my mind, a warning to be very careful. However, she never asked for money, and the details always matched, even months after she first told me. I tried many times to trip her  up by checking details, but her story was always consistent.

This kept up  until I did a Star 69 one day to get her phone number. (That’s the phone function to get the number of the person who just called - we didn’t have caller ID ) We were concerned that she might be alone for Thanksgiving, and so I called. A man answered and I asked for Marissa.

He asked who was calling. She had told me she was boarding with a family, so nothing seemed unusual in this. I explained who I was.

And then he said, “I’m sorry for any trouble. Don’t take this personally, my wife has done this before. There is no Marissa. I’m sorry.”

I was stunned. What was going on? A half hour later “Marissa” called, sobbing. She was sorry for any trouble she had caused. She didn’t mean any harm.

“Marisaa” turned out to be a 34 year-old woman whose name I have since forgotten. Marissa was her bizarre creation, lived out in some segment of her mind as real.

I mentioned her to a friend at a pastor’s meeting. She had indeed invented these stories before. She would pick a church and minster in the phone book, and tell the story. It wasn’t malicious. She wasn’t out to “get” me. She also liked to call prayer lines, no matter where in the world they were located, and had racked up thousands in phone bills.

I felt two reactions. Pity - that she was so troubled and needed help. And anger - she took advantage of me. I got sucked into her story and cared about Marissa. I don’t listen to anyone’s story in quite the same way any more.

This week I’ve been called back to Phoebe in Romans 16:2. I don’t often go back, but I’ve been thinking about “Marissa” and my own reaction to helping her. The words about Phoebe haunt me: “she has been a great help to many people.”

How do we help people and not get taken advantage of sometime or another? How can we judge these things? Can we help in ways which reduce the risk of being taken advantage of?

Some people we know well and there is no risk. Others we know well and we know the risks. Sometimes we thought we knew them and we were surprised. And sometimes people we don’t know very well ask us to help.

If Phoebe was a helper, how did she know what she could do and what she couldn’t? How did she know when to say yes, and when to say no? Was she as conflicted as we are sometimes?

I heard a speaker say one time that the most dangerous prayer was “Use me, Lord.” The reason was that if we are willing to put ourselves out there, we would, in fact, be used, in the good sense of being productive for God, and in the bad sense of being taken advantage of. He made the point that we have to be willing for both.

How do we know? And how do we keep from becoming hardened so that we only help when there is no risk?

I guess I have more questions today than answers. I cling to the promise of wisdom when we ask for it from God (James 1:5). I ask people I trust. I look for ways to help other than with money. Sometimes I trust my instinct, and sometimes I don’t. Other than that,...

I usually close off my letters with “Hope this helps.” But if you have words of wisdom on this one, perhaps you can help me.

Blessings. Be on fire.

Troy

OnFire is a weekly letter on faith and character written by Troy Dennis. This letter published Nov 27, 2008. To subscribe or reply, email him at onfireletter@gmail.com. Archives are located at www.onfireletter.com