Hi Onfire Folks:

Yesterday I had something neat happen. After I finished preaching, one of my deacons interrupted the service and presented me with a gift certificate to a really nice restaurant in town - part of Pastor Appreciation Month. That felt pretty good. Others have sent cards and emails. Thanks so much. Want to impress your pastors? Do something unexpected like that, and you'll encourage them.

Last week's email seems to have touched something important and generated a lot of email. Some of the replies are below. I always appreciate your letters. Have a good week.

Troy

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We’ve been going frame by frame in our inquest into the train wreck of David’s affair with Bathsheeba. So far we’ve seen two factors which contributed to the crash. David’s changing routine and sense of significance created instability in his soul.

This week we’re going to take a flashback to 2 Samuel 6:16 to see how David’s relationship with his wife, Michal, made him vulnerable and open to a crash.

2Samuel 6:16 "As the ark of the LORD was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the LORD, she despised him in her heart."*

As David consolidated power, he made Jerusalem the capital and soon brought the ark of the covenant to the city. The day the ark arrived was a day of great rejoicing. David celebrated with all his might by dancing, jumping, singing and shouting. Michal saw David acting much less dignified than she thought a king should act, and decided in her heart that he was no longer worthy of her respect. "She despised him," says the text. By the time David arrived home, Michal was seething and their relationship was never again the same. (2 Samuel 6:20-23).

The fact that Michal despised David was like a washout under the rail tracks. Railroad lines must be constantly inspected for hazards. Heavy rains, a blocked culvert, or a beaver dam can wash out the rail bed. Without careful attention lives and property are at risk. By despising him, Michal undercut David’s heart and left him longing to be filled with warmth and affection.

This, of course, does not excuse David for what he did. He was responsible for his behaviour. Nonetheless, the hurt in his heart left him vulnerable and open to the possibility of an affair.

Whenever I discover things like this, I am very thankful because I know Jan respects me and believes in what I’m doing. Life at times is stressful and our relationship gets strained like all marriages do. But it would be ten times worse if Jan did not respect me, or even despised me.

I’ve done some things that I’m not proud of. The first year we dated I forgot Valentine’s day. I’ve forgotten Jan’s birthday, not once, but twice. It wasn’t good. I hurt her deeply by making her feel I didn’t care enough to remember. She could easily remind me of these things that hurt her so badly, but she has never again brought them up.

Another thing - she could talk about my faults but she doesn’t. After 15 years of marriage, she knows me well enough to name them all. If she wanted to, she could remind me and everyone else of my inconsistencies. I’m glad for her support, and it means so much to me to have her respect.

My heart aches every time I see people who do not enjoy the respect of their spouses. Whenever I hear a husband criticize his wife I cringe because I know what it must do to her heart. When I hear a wife remind her husband of his faults, I hurt for him.

Not everyone who lives with a critical spouse has an affair like David did, but there are other types of affairs. Some people I know stay away from home as long as possible. They overwork, or they go out. They become "busy." Others go online, where there are no shortages of ways to have affairs.

I see two lessons for us, and they both come out of the phrase, "guard your hearts." When I see Jan doing something I don’t like, I have to guard my heart and mouth against becoming critical. One time when I crossed over the line she reminded me later, "I’m not a child." Point taken. We are adults and I don’t have to talk down to her. In fact, she appreciates it when we talk like adults. For my boys, I want to model a positive relationship. There are few things likely to set me off as fast as when one of them becomes lippy with Jan. I tell them they can’t talk to their mother that way. They don’t realize I’m trying to train them for later life.

The other lesson I see is that if we live with criticism, belittling, shaming, or even outright despising, our hearts become vulnerable to an affair, in whatever form it might take. A person has to be extra careful. Pray for your spouse. Accept that you cannot change the person, but God can. Choose not to hold the hurts and wrongs.

Its hard not to notice when someone despises us. It undercuts our relationship like a washout on a rail line. We have to carefully examine our lives to make sure we are not undercutting someone else, and to realize when we have been undercut.

Hope this helps. Be On Fire,

Troy

Some of your comments...

"Some of us women teeter the place of needing significance by "doing.""

"About accomplishments, sometimes life is a slog, and that is where perseverance comes in! And reflection and remembering Who is in charge.... Discouragement is a tool of satan and we are prone to it."

"As I'm sure you know, it's not just men that struggle with significance. All of us are looking for the things that keep us 'connected' and feeling like we mean something to someone or a group of people. We like to be active and keep busy, too, to feel important. Worthwhile."

ON FIRE is a weekly letter of encouragement by Troy Dennis. This letter published Oct 17, 2005. www.onfireletter.com